Destroying Myself... | justkeepfighting's Blog

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So i have been suffering with depression, anxiety and paranoia for 6 years...

I have started to self harm again and am re-addicted, i am back on slight overdosing to cause myself internal damage, I cant eat without my stomach rejecting it... Yet i continue to keep eating and eating resulting in a massive sick and sometimes bloody mess.

I am on the path of self destruction and things are only getting worse. the overdoses become more, the self harming gets more and a Little worse each time. I am trying to eat normally but end up starving myself to rest my stomach before cramming my face with food. Sometimes it works...

I cant afford to lose anymore weight. I lost 2 pounds last week. I have fought so hard to get myself from 130 to 140 and now I'm going back down. I hate myself and everything about me and my pathetic life.

My self hate is high and my suicidal thoughts and urges are pretty constant.

I dropped out of college on Monday, as i was failing and had the chance to redo it in September... But now i do nothing but counselling and sit online... I don't want to go out. and i don't want to live like his anymore. I hate it! I hate it so bad!

I have counselling today... I'm not looking forward to it... But i have to go and try my best.

I hate this...

Blah...

Posted by JustKeepFighting at 04:13 on January 11th, 2012 at 4:13AM (updated Jan 11th, 2012)
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citysky	Posted on 07:58PM on Jan 12th, 2012 Here I am. I want to know how your counseling went. Do you talk openly? If it's not working for you it may be you need another therapist. It can take a while to find the right fit. In the meantime, find just one thing you like about yourself and write a blog on here about it. Do you like your pinky finger? How about your ear? Do you have nice eyelashes or toes? Everyone in the world, EVERYONE has something good within themselves. I want to hear all about yours.
JustKeepFighting	Posted on 04:12AM on Jan 13th, 2012 My counselling went okay... They are still sending me for other assessments as i have a list of disorders and do not directly fit into any kind of treatment team so i have been going through this for months and they still cant work out wheres best to put me until i go for different assessments for different rtreatments and it too long and tiring! hmm right now im not sure i like anything about myself. i look in the mirror and cry... i just stand there crying staring at everything i hate. I cant think abuot anything positive to do with myself right now... Ill try though!
hxtp	Posted on 05:52PM on Jan 15th, 2012 Well, you are posting about yourself here. That seems something positive because you are reaching out to others. I'm not a counselor, but I think that getting counseling is an important step. I like your handle: "JustKeepFighting" sounds like it has a hint of positive possibility in it. You are looking in the mirror and thinking about yourself. These sound like first steps. They may seem too small to you, but it sounds like you're making steps in the right direction. We're anonymous and distant in EP, but I'm willing to chat here if you need someone to listen. --HXTP
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Destroying Myself..., posted January 11th, 2012, 3 comments